The Truth About Infertility

1 | Infertility is different for everyone. This is the truth about my infertility.

When Tristan and I first decided that we were ready to have kids, we had no idea the journey we would be on. After the first few months of trying, I had decided that we would keep it a secret between the two of us until it had been at least a year. That lasted all but a few more months when I had a complete breakdown and ended up telling my mom. Slowly, over the next few months, we told the rest of our immediate family. This was a blessing in disguise. I don't know why I thought keeping it a secret was the best course of action. As more and more people have been let in on the secret, I have realized there is strength in numbers. I have realized that talking to people who are on a similar journey makes this experience just a little more bearable. So here we are, announcing to the world (or those who read my blog anyway...) that this is what we are going through and if you are in the same boat, I would love to band together to help each other survive.


2 | 1 in 8 couples are infertile. Infertility is, unfortunately, more common than we think.

The first month we realized that we wouldn't conceive immediately, we just happened to be with some friends and they told us that they had been trying for a number of years now. Since that day, I think of this couple whenever I want to give up. If they can do it, so can I.

Last month, I worked with a nurse who was very open about her struggle to conceive. It was at that moment that I realized how therapeutic it was to talk to someone who knew what it was like. Her struggle was different than mine - some people have PCOS, some people have endometriosis, and some people are infertile for no known reason... some people have been trying for 3 months, some a year, and some ten years - and yet despite the differences, it is a hard journey on both of us. She was the only person I told the first month we tried Clomid. And when she asked me the next time I saw her how the Clomid went, I cried the whole drive home because as devastated as I was that it didn't work, I was so grateful she remembered our conversation and asked me about it because it felt so good to be able to tell someone.


3 | We are at that time in life when everyone is having babies.

There is a new baby announcement that pops up on Instagram, Facebook or the blogging world on a daily basis. I don't know why I torture myself by following other peoples "bumpdates" but I think it brings me hope. A lot of the time it makes me angry, jealous, or sad. But, at the same time I am so happy that they are pregnant, that they are living the dream and I can't wait until it is my turn.

4 | There is a void in my life where Baby DiCristofano is supposed to be.

The past few months I've been dying for a vacation. I've come to the realization that I am using travel to fill the void but unfortunately we can't afford to travel as much as I'd like. Has anyone else experienced this? And if so, what did you find that filled the void that was a little cheaper than the exotic adventures that I wish I could go on? It is frustrating to feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I have no idea when this journey will come to an end, if it does come to an end.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a planner through and through. I've had my life planned out since I was little. Now is the time that I had planned for kids to come into the picture. Heavenly Father has a different plan for us. And though that is so hard to accept at times, I know His plan is so much better than mine. So for now, I just need to figure out what He wants me to be doing with my life.


5 | The side effects of Clomid are getting the best of me.

I am not a crier. But, since taking Clomid I cry on a daily basis. I cry at work. I cry on the way home from work. I cry because Tristan has to go to bowling. I cry because we aren't pregnant, again. I cry because of nothing, absolutely nothing. Sometimes I cry three times a day. Tristan is super supportive but sometimes he just laughs. Because he knew me before Clomid, and I'm not a crier.

Hot flashes. Don't even get me started. The other day Tristan and I were snuggling and talking before bed when I had a hot flash. He could feel it! Tristan felt for one brief second that I was having a hot flash. Heaven help us...

I'll spare you the TMI of the many other side effects that I am trying to optimistically deal with. But, prayers are always welcome. Poor, poor Tristan did not sign up for this.


6 | There is a monthly battle of trying to be optimistic but trying not to get your hopes up. It's an exhausting journey full of ups and downs. Though it isn't the journey I imagined, I'm grateful for the way it has helped Tristan and I grow closer, the way it has shown my Heavenly Father's hand in my life, and the way it has shown me that I am stronger than I think and I can do hard things.