A Month in the Life of Infertility

I was naive to the fact that getting pregnant doesn't always just happen when you decide you're ready for it to happen. Who knew it could be so much work? Who knew that you're life would soon get broken into the days of your cycle? Month after month... Around & around...

It all starts with Day 1.

            July 3, 2014

            I’m not pregnant. Surprise, surprise. Goodbye month seven. Hello, countdown to ovulation.

           

Day 1 is usually accompanied by a lot of tears, a lot of cold thoughts like, “I don’t care, I didn’t want to be pregnant anyway.”, breaking the news to the ever optimistic husband, & then getting on with your day (which is truly the hardest part).

The first week (days 1-7) comes with a wide range of emotions that come from A. being on your period and B. starting over again. I usually eat a lot of chocolate. Mostly, I try to think optimistic thoughts and stay away from the hole of negativity and depression. Some months I succeed better than others but overall I think I do pretty well.

The second week (days 8-14) typically comes up pretty quickly for me. Assuming everything is working correctly inside, your body should be gearing up for ovulation. This is the part that they don’t teach you growing up, that you only have a short window to conceive. Typically, five days before ovulation and 24 hours after ovulation. With the second week comes scheduled sex (excuse my bluntness).

            July 14, 2014

            This baby-making stuff is driving me to the insane asylum. Overall, I’ve been pretty regulated emotionally. I have the typical ups and down but all in all I would say I was doing all right. I’m still doing fine I’m just freaking out at the wrong time of the month. Usually I just have my PMS freak-outs and that’s it. This time, it’s mid-month. The only explanation… It’s ovulation time and the stress of failure is overwhelming.

The third week (days 14-21) is possibly the longest week of the month. It’s the week where your brain turns to “Is this the month?” mode.

If you’re on a fertility drug such as Clomid, this is when it really starts to kick in. Meaning, you’re suddenly a crazed woman who is laughing hysterically one moment then drowning in a puddle of tears next. The worst part, the tears are over nothing. Nada. The other worst part, you know it’s happening and yet there is no way to stop it. There is literally no control over it.

            I wasn’t on Clomid in July so we’ll jump a few months ahead for this one.

            September 30, 2014

            I cry on the daily, sometimes three times. Yesterday for example: 1. Hearing the story of the cooling baby we have on the unit right now. 2. After a kind co-worker asked how Clomid went last month. 3. When I remembered Tristan had to go to bowling. Heaven help us.

Then the very next day, during the middle of a night shift when I burst into tears for a solid 15 minutes at least…

October 1, 2014

Why can I not stop crying?! Seriously, it’s getting out of hand.

It’s at the end of this week that implantation happens. Which brings me to the last week.

The fourth week (days 22-28) aka Hell Week.

This is the week when I (and I’m assuming other women in my same position) start diagnosing myself with pregnancy symptoms. Every headache, bout of nausea, tired day, sore boob, & urge to pee – really anything – becomes a sure sign that this must be the month!

This is the week when you swing from thoughts of, “I’m pregnant!!” to “This isn’t the month. Whatever. I’m over it. Just let me start my period already.”

            July 17, 2014

            I’m not kidding. I am losing my mind. I am mixing up patients like crazy. I can’t remember who is on feeding protocol and who isn’t. I can’t remember who I’m charting on halfway through charting. I have felt like a complete idiot all day. I really am smart I promise. My coach is probably looking at me like, “who is this bumbling dummy?” Seriously though, I think I left my brain at home. Do I dare think it’s pregnancy brain? Or am I truly going crazy?

            July 20, 2014

Fake pregnancy symptoms for the day:

-       constant heartburn, food didn’t make a difference

-       sore boobs

-       being a complete airhead

July 24, 2014

I am so tired. I went to bed at a decent time last night… probably 10. This morning I woke up at 4 am to Kacee panting. I had to work and couldn’t fall back asleep. But then work called to cancel me so by 4:30 I was asleep again. Tristan and I woke up around 10. I got up for breakfast but within an hour I was exhausted and crawled back into bed. From then on, I slept. I vaguely recall Tristan trying to wake me up twice but it just wasn’t happening. I finally got myself out of bed at 4:00 p.m. What is wrong with me? 18 hours of sleep, seriously?

And finally, the “I’m late” days. Some months I don’t have this (thank goodness!!) and some months it ranges from 3-7 days. This is the time when I find myself dreaming of how I’m going to tell Tristan. And then, how we’d tell our family and friends. But then, I take a negative pregnancy test (or three…) and eventually the month starts back at day one.

            August 4, 2014

            So long month eight… hello month nine. It’s crazy to think that if we had been able to conceive our first try, we’d be having a baby this month.. And yet, here we are.

And all this is assuming that you actually have a regular period. I know a lot of people struggling with infertility don't even get that luxury...

A month in the life of infertility.

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