the last 12 weeks

i cannot believe we have already spent

t.w.e.l.v.e  w.e.e.k.s

with our sweet, sweet baby!

i never want to forget our life these past few months:

two weeks of bliss with my hubby & our baby.

pure exhaustion, sore body, constant headaches, & hearts full of love.

diapers everywhere. oh those tiny preemie diapers.

laundry, so much laundry. but i never get sick of folding those little outfits.

days blending into nights, breastfeeding every few hours.

snuggling with him against my chest.

trying so hard to get him to fall asleep, then once he did, missing him so much that i just want to wake him back up.

just him, me & kacee. all day, every day.

so many kisses. that nose, that head, those cheeks, those toes, & those lips. all so kissable!

feelings of inadequacy, wanting to give up.

then feeling guilty for the very thought. 

watching him wake up more & more, for longer periods of time.

falling in love with that first smile, & every one after that.

pajamas all day, one too many days. never regretting it.

his little bobble head as he got stronger & stronger.

staring at him all day, watching him learn & grow right before my eyes.

realizing that i felt normal again. no more pain, no more constant headaches.

still exhausted but so happy.

getting glimpses of his little personality. so smiley, so happy, so social. just like his daddy.

rejoicing over pounds gained and poopy diapers found.
three to four outfits a day for my little man because he was always spitting up.

getting to the end of the day and realizing just how many spit up stains cover my own shirt.

the triumph of the first time sleeping through the night.

embracing those dark, quiet moments in the middle of the night as they get fewer & fewer.

cheering him on as he tries so hard to roll over.

full conversations with his cooing.

singing & dancing just to see those smiles.
lots of walks & lots of baths, our favorite.
looking at him wondering how I ever got so lucky.
loving more & more everyday with a love that I never knew existed until now.

as my time as a stay-at-home mom draws to a close, i can't help but feel bittersweet. i'd be lying if i said that i'd never once wanted to getaway these last few months. even just in the last week i wondered what it would be like to not be needed every 3 hours. for a second i even hoped for my first day back at work to come faster. i feel guilty for each of those thoughts but i'm only human right?

the majority of the time though, i'm saddened that our 24/7 time together is coming to a close. i think about all he does each day & worry about all that i'm going to miss out on. i wonder if he will miss me as much as i will miss him. i'll miss being his #1. the only one who can give him food. the one who knows exactly what he needs when he acts certain ways.

i have nightmares about returning to work. one nightmare, i had 10 babies rather than the normal 2-3. another nightmare, i forgot literally every medical anything i've ever learned. in another nightmare, i kept losing track of time and missed so many feedings and medications. and in yet another nightmare, mckai came with me and i couldn't take care of him plus the other babies.

i'm rambling now... too many conflicting feelings & emotions!

 all i know is though i'm nervous to go back to work, i'm also excited. and though i don't want to leave my baby home three days a week, i know it will be a good break for me. as much as i think he can't survive without me, he can. and i look forward to watching his relationship with his daddy grow even more as they spend more one-on-one time together.

mckai, i love you forever. thank you for the best 12 weeks!