life lately :: january

I keep sitting down, thinking about how I should write a post about life in January for journaling purposes but every time I do, I end up closing my computer and giving up. January was a rough month for me. 

I've opened up about my depression on here a few times but it's been pretty well controlled for the last couple of years. I hadn't felt stuck like I did last month, in a long time. And I almost forgot that it does get better. So many days I cried wondering what I was ever thinking becoming a mom when I struggle to get myself out of bed.

I never got postpartum depression which was shocking to me and Tristan. So when it hit out of the blue, 6 months out, with no hormones to blame I got frustrated with myself. And if we are completely honest, Tristan struggled at first too. It had been so long since we'd had to deal with it that he almost had to relearn the best ways to handle me when I'm like that.

This song became my song. Because I sometimes think that people who don't understand depression believe that when we are "depressed" we are actually just wallowing in self pity when we could easily choose not to. And also because sometimes you really do just have to cry if you want to.

So January went like this... go to bed early, wake up late, pawn the child off to Tristan whenever possible, and when not possible bring his toys to our bed and hope he entertains himself for at least a little bit, go to work, come home and repeat. I stayed home as much as possible and when Tristan did force me to get out, I did my best to put on a happy face though I'm sure I wasn't convincing.

Luckily, it did pass. February came. And we are in a much better place. Hallelujah. But that's why I don't have much to show for January. I'll leave you with a few pictures though. The things that made January worthwhile... snowstorms, feeding McKai new foods, and cousin time.