It's subtle at first... I shouldn't have yelled or I should have fed him more veggies today... but once it grabs hold, it spreads like wildfire.
I've been struggling with mom guilt A LOT the last few days. So bad that it feels like it is starting to consume me and leaves me feeling incapable of doing anything productive.
I don't know exactly where it started but I know what started it... depression.
Yesterday was the worst but as hard as I've tried, today isn't much better.
Mckai is just so grouchy! He spends 90% of his day whining or crying! And the other 10% saying,
"mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom, mom!"
Remember back when I would have done anything to have him call me by mom? He was just over a year and refused to say it! I was so excited when he did for the first time that I could have cried and now I'm crying because I just wish he would stop yelling mom at me for one minute!
Is he grouchy because he ate too much candy on Halloween? I wouldn't know because I was working. In fact, even his dad missed trick or treating with him because his interview ran late.
#worstparentsever
Or is he grouchy because he's falling asleep crying on the floor in front of his door rather than in his perfectly comfy toddler bed? Heaven help this sleep-deprived family and this horrible transition from a crib to a toddler bed.
It all started when he decided he could climb out of his crib about a week ago. It was cute at first, we just took the bottom of his crib out and left the mattress on the floor in the crib. That worked for a total of one night. We ended up having to tie him in his room one night because he just kept coming out. The next day we bought things to toddler proof his handle so he can't open his door anymore but I don't know how many more times I can go in there sing him songs and give him kisses before I lose my mind. Am I doing this transition thing wrong? My angel child who used to sleep 12-14 hours a night won't go to bed at night!
Or maybe he is grouchy because I'm using screen time as a babysitter because I just can't deal?
Is he grouchy because he's getting sick? Is he grouchy because he's getting more teeth that I don't know about? Or is he grouchy just because he's a 2 year old? What is it???
That just about sums up all my guilt when it comes to my child whom I love and adore but cannot figure out how to enjoy this stage of life. Or maybe that's just the depression talking.
Then there's the fact that I started my period yesterday. Sorry for the TMI but...
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD TO GET PREGNANT!?!?
I can't even find it in me to feel happy for the most recent baby announcements popping up on my feed. But then I realize, well of course I can't get pregnant! I can't even take care of myself let alone the child I already have, no way I can be trusted with another tiny human. Just because I know the why, doesn't make it any easier....
Mom Guilt.
It's so twisted and backwards but it's also so real.
There are so many expectations about who we should be as moms. How we should act, how we should raise our kids. The best thing to remember and the part I'm having the hardest time with today is that we were chosen to be the mom to our kids because we can raise them in a way that no one else could. I need Mckai and he needs me.
So thank goodness it's November. I'm going to use gratitude to combat this pesky mom guilt. I don't think it will solve the problem immediately but at least it's a start. Today I am grateful for nap time... because at least if Mckai isn't sleeping at night, he is back to napping like a champ. That way I can get my thoughts on paper, clear my head of all the "mom, mom, MOM!", and start over.
Little man, I love you forever. Never stop forgiving me for my imperfections!
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