I'm not defined by infertility, but yes it's a huge part of me.

I had a friend ask me the other day why I'm not blogging our infertility journey this time around. Initially, I didn't have an answer. But the more I thought about it, I think there are a few reasons. This is a public blog so anyone can access it... as such, I've gotten comments both good and bad when I've written about infertility but the bad seem to be the reason I've mostly avoided the topic all together. I didn't think I could emotionally handle the, "well I've been trying for 10 years so just wait until you've been there" or "well you have Mckai so why don't you just be grateful that you got one baby". Another reason is definitely Mckai. He definitely keeps me busy in such a good way that I have less time to dwell on my problems like I could before he came along. And mostly I just haven't felt that push to write about it. Before Mckai, I was writing in my journal constantly. Whether it was symptoms I was experiencing, things people said to me that helped or hurt, where I was in my cycle, etc... Guess how many times I've written in my journal this time around? FOUR. Four measly times in 2 years. It just hasn't been therapeutic to me like it was in the past. So why am I here today? Honestly, I'm not sure. This rollercoaster is taking me up and down more hills lately and around turns that I didn't even know were a possibility. I guess I need people who understand follicles measuring 21 mm and uterine linings measuring 4.9 mm. So if that's you, raise your hand! And maybe writing is starting to be therapeutic again, I'm hoping that's the case!

What I've learned about infertility (and myself) in the last two years:
(If TMI isn't your thing, I'd suggest skipping out on this post :)

• I may not have unexplained infertility after all. I don't have any of the symptoms of PCOS (increased hair growth, weight gain and difficulty losing weight, excess acne, irregular periods, etc...) but I do have 15+ eggs on each ovary every time we go in and ultrasound and my AMH level came back as 8 (anything over 4 is indicative of polycystic ovaries). So the doctors are thinking that could be part of my problem.
• The hardest part about infertility is realizing that my dreams may never be a reality. I've always wanted a big family (6 kids) but with all it takes to get each one, that just isn't likely. I'm only 27 but that sounds pretty old when you think about how I only have 1 kid and it takes years to conceive each child...
• Some days I think I've accepted my fate and then others I realize I haven't. I suppose that's probably normal with any type of trial.
• I've learned more acronyms than I ever wanted to know. BFN, BFP, OPKs, TWW, RE, HSG, CM, DPO, the list goes on!
• And I've learned way more about the reproductive system than I already knew (which was a lot to begin with). We've been hoping to do IUI the last few months but who knew there were so many places things could go wrong?? Going into it, I thought the only possibilities associated with doing IUI was whether or not it would take. I never imagined that month after month there would be reasons why we couldn't do IUI in the first place! I'm amazed that even though this is our second go around with infertility, how naive I let myself be. And I'm even more amazed that people get pregnant accidentally. Like, seriously?!?
• And even with all that I know and all that I've learned, there is still so much that I don't fully understand and so much that I'm sure I'll keep learning.
• I'm way stronger than I ever could have imagined. 5 months of clomid later, I'm still standing. And that is worth celebrating in my book.
• Some people will just never understand and that's okay. It's not their fault. And it's not my fault. It just is. If they tell me to stop trying because that's when it'll happen, we probably won't be friends anymore. But if they keep in contact with me even when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, even when it's hard for me to swallow their pregnancy announcements, if they keep asking how I'm doing genuinely wanting the real answer... those people are worth keeping around forever.
• Tristan has rough days too. And that makes me love him all the more. It's nice to know that I'm not on this rollercoaster alone and that he cares almost as much as I do.
• Each ultrasound is $300. Every time we go in and my follicles aren't big enough yet so they schedule another US a few days later I think about that $300. I never weigh whether or not it's worth it because it is. But that number is forever engrained in my memory.

I'm not 100% positive the purpose of this post but it just feels good to let my thoughts flow. To allow myself to feel and forgive myself for holding on. I hope all this doesn't come off as I'm struggling because I'm really not! I have way more good and happy days than hard days. Life is good, trials and all! Mostly I hope that if you're reading this post and struggling with infertility as well that you'll reach out to me because having friends who understand the monthly struggle makes all the difference!